Pre-note: This will be my last post for quite a while. The section that comes after this I still haven't written yet because I'm still not sure what's going to happen. And because I am so busy with school work, and feeling uninspired lately, I'm probably not going to get around to writing or posting again for a couple weeks. Not that anyone cares cause no one reads this, but whatever, I will stop being negative. This is the buildup to the football game and the dance.
Chapter twenty-three, section two:
I couldn’t concentrate on my hot chocolate. I tried to watch the way Jake’s bangs fell in his face, which typically would make my mind wipe blank, but instead I thought of the dance that night. I sighed again and glanced once more at my cell phone, sitting silently on the table. 10:31 am, only half an hour before I was meeting Lulu to get ready for the football game.
“You must have looked at the time ten times in the past five minutes,” Jake said, “Why are you nervous? It’s only a football game, right?”
I nodded, “But then there’s the dance after that...”
“Now don’t go fooling around with boys tonight,” Jake smiled, his eyes glimmering in that we-may-be-in-public-but-you-know-what-I-mean way.
I smiled, taking another sip of the hot chocolate and watching the stream of Saturday morning customers rush through the little coffee shop. They came in their black suits and high heels, with that confident upper-West walk and always with the right Sunrise purse.
“Hey,” Jake said, “What’s up?”
I was the worst liar ever; I never would have made it as an actor like I wanted to when I was five. But, I’d kept the whole Amy-thing secret for so long that biting my tongue almost seemed more like a habit than lying. I smiled, looked Jake in the eye, and said sweetly, “Nothing. It must be the fact I’ll be the only dateless girl at the dance tonight.”
“Don’t stress about that,” he said, then whispered, “I’m really sorry.”
I shook my head and said softly, “It’s not your fault.”
The waitress came by to clear out dirty dishes, smiling a bit too much at Jake before heading back to the counter to serve another upper-West business lady. Something twisted inside me, but I almost laughed as I noticed Jake rolling his eyes.
“C’mon,” I said, “I can’t be late, me and Lulu need to get good seats.”
"I am the worst liar ever" would fit better, as I am assuming she is not dead as she is telling the story. Or maybe she is. It just sounds odd.
ReplyDelete"I can't be late; me and Lulu need to get good seats." There, grasshopper, is where we may properly use a semi-colon.
Also, the first line of Jake's dialogue sounds strange due to the repetition of "time" in such a short space--perhaps "watch" would make a good substitute?
I enjoyed the natural flow of this passage, which had just enough tension to make me anxious about what is going to happen next. Then I realized there was no other post and I got REAL anxious. Since you have such a good rhythm going, try some inspiration on the fly--make Annika go to the game, write in any sort of event that flies into your head, write her reaction to it and what she does, then write what happens because of that, etc., etc. A little free-styling cause-and-effect might not give you the most stellar and well-thought-out plot results, but it's a good exercise to get to know your character.