Pre-read note: So, here I am, sitting on my bed, my cat hiding under the drying rack a couple feet away, and what am I doing? Posting on my blog. I had a whole rant here three seconds ago where I went on with my usual sob story about how my own mother has never clicked on the link to my story, but then I deleted it. I realized that if someone is reading this, then I'm not posting for no reason or to no one. Besides, I'm doing this more for my own enjoyment than anything. And to encourage myself to keep writing, cause I don't know if I still would be if I didn't feel obligated to update this blog every couple of days (or hours depending on my boredom level).
NEW YEARS SOON :D Hope everyone is having a fabulous last couple days of 2010!
Chapter twenty-one, section one (pg 64):
“Can we talk about it?”
I lifted my head from his shoulder. “About this?”
“Yeah.”
I straightened myself out a little, but still leaned against him. “Ok.”
“As you know, there are strict rules against this. There’s a lot of risk. If we get caught, I could get in a lot of trouble.” Jake talked to the sky above the school yard. When he turned to look at me, I met his gaze with a smile.
“Then we won’t caught,” I said, placing my head back on his shoulder.
The school yard was filled with girls in sweatpants, jogging around the garden in royal blue. They swarmed in kaleidoscope shapes from our view from the roof. I could make out their ponytails bouncing as they went.
“We can’t be affectionate in public. If anyone sees and tells the authorities, they don’t need much evidence to separate the two of us.”
“Ok.”
“We shouldn’t text or write notes that mention anything either, since that’s easy evidence.”
“Makes sense.”
“And if we’re going to see each other more than normal, then we should keep it secretive. We’ll hang out at the beach and here on the roof.”
“Ok.”
He paused here, looking from the sky to me. “Are you afraid?”
“No,” I said without hesitation, “Should I be?”
“Maybe,” he said, “I don’t know what the punishment is; I don’t think they’ve ever needed to punish anyone.”
“Are you scared?”
He sighed, “Yeah, a little. I would hate to never see you again.”
We watched the girls again. They were now heading out onto the field, a coach with a large bag of black and white soccer balls following behind them.
Jake wrapped his arm around my shoulders, pulling me even closer, and rested his head on top of mine. Although he couldn’t see it, my smile was from ear to ear.
“Jake?”
“Yeah?”
“We’ll stay together. It’ll all work out. I know it.”
“I trust you.”
Very nice dialogue once again. Character feelings all clearly expressed without outright telling. The transitions are becoming more obvious as you jump around, however, so try and keep it to a minimum. Both you and the audience will benefit from a regular, linear timeline!
ReplyDeleteBTW why isn't there a D'AWWW feedback button next to "funny," "interesting" and "cool?"
ReplyDeleteAgree with Gremikin, you did a very good job with the dialogue in this section, it sounds very natural. I was kind of confused as to how we got from the last post to here, and it took me a minute to remember what was going on with the characters.
ReplyDelete